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There’s a new royal baby

For those of you who actually give a shit, Kate and William gave birth to a baby boy yesterday and named him George Alexander.  I don’t know why but it seems that 80% of all British males are named either Paul or George or John.  It seems that pretty much all of them are named after one of the Beatles.  Because he was a boy birthed from the first son as successor to the throne (William), he is now 3rd in line for the crown of the English monarchy.  Something about a king baby really intrigues me so not that I wish harm to anyone, but if it did happen let’s just say that I wouldn’t necessarily find myself sobbing uncontrollably while clutching an Us Weekly magazine. 

He also supersedes Harry’s right to the throne which also humors me a bit.  If my brother had a kid and I knew that it already had leap frogged me in the chain of command I’d be abnormally perturbed.  George is also heir to over $1 billion in assets from various sources within the monarchy which led me to question where all of this money came from.  As far as I can tell none of these people have real jobs or accumulate wealth through natural means.  Do their taxes fund this?  If that was the case I’d rather move to Darfur and share rice kernels with infidels then give me money to bourgeois elitist human beings thriving in some outdated empirical hierarchy that has no business flourishing in today’s era.

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Paris Jackson Already Tried To Kill Herself

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As if being the daughter of lab experiment weren’t bad enough, but Paris Jackson also had to grow up under the tutelage of the King of Pop for almost 9 years. Sure everyone loves going to Disney Land but if I had to live with Goofy 24/7 I would have killed myself long ago. Well, things finally boiled over for Paris and she tried to commit suicide last week but I’m being told it was more of a “cry for help” and not an actual attempt at her life. It sort of sounds like being a little pregnant but whatever, I’m sure she’ll get the help she needs because suicide and especially child suicide is not a laughing matter. Looking like the goblin from “The Ring” movies is, however.

 

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Beyonce is pregnant with another fake baby

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Just like when she “had” baby Blue Ivy, Beyonce is pregnant again. I say had in quotations because she used a surrogate and didn’t actually perform child birth unlike her freakish claims to Oprah that the two were “ceremoniously speaking together, yet without saying a word.”

Please add as a note to this story that I don’t know for sure and she may have actually birthed Blue Ivy but if anyone says shit like they “communicated without spoken word to the unborn child from within their womb” just seems like someone who has never fucking had a baby.

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Farrah Abraham Is Looking To Buy A $3 Million Home

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If you don’t know who Farrah Abraham is, then god bless you, but for those soulless individuals such as myself who know exactly who she is, you may be interested to know that she is looking to buy a home for $3 million in the same neighborhood where Justin Bieber lives. As much as I detest the Biebs, dude is probably worth $200 million. Abraham took one in the backside for about 20 minutes and somehow lucked her way into a little under a million bucks.  Breaking this down into relative terms, if you made $100,000 a year, this would be like someone who makes $500 a year and being propped up by the government living in the same neighborhood as you. In other words, Farrah Abraham is just like the guys looking to cash in their food stamps at strip clubs. Which, coincidentally, the two will probably intersect in the near future.

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Stevie Johnson Is Glad Boston Got Bombed

 

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Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson has been known to make controversial claims in the past, like when he declared “I’m a really good receiver” and “the Bills are an actual football team”, but when the hubbub arose about North Korea controlling nuclear weapons and pointing them at the US, Johnson thought it’d be prudent to bomb Foxboro, home of the New England Patriots. Suffice it to say Boston just so happened to be bombed the following week and while I can’t be there all the time to see how Stevie Johnson is reacting I imagine him sitting in his swivel chair, stroking a fluffy white cat and laughing maniacally at the rain. What a dick.

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Hayden Panettiere Proves That Makeup Artists Are Magicians

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Hayden Panettier, whose name I let Google auto fill because I couldn’t spell it correctly if I had a gun to my head, was at a beach last weekend because she needs a break from all the empty space in her head and she further helped prove my theory that the black art of stylists and makeup artists can transform anyone into someone fantastic looking.  If you were looking for something 0n TV and came across the show “Nashville” you would see the stunning Panettiere galavanting across the screen, wafting her magnificent locks down her petite frame while flashing a million dollar smile. If you happened to see her stomping on the beach you would yell at her for displacing the sand around your general area while asking how long ago it was since her last c-section.

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Tiger Woods And Lindsay Vonn Look Comfortable

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In what appears to be the most awkward photo since the last time someone took a picture of me taking a poop, Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn announced their courtship on Facebook this week.  Tiger went from this to Lindsay and while this may seem like a downgrade, I once met a blind guy who could only judge the beauty of a woman by the scent of her perfume.  He was so ensconced with the effervescence of the perfume he would constantly hit on women whose perfume he enjoyed. He was a maniacal guy who hired me to drive him around New York City while he spent what seemed to be his last dollars.  I was in college and didn’t mind that he was obnoxious and rude because he paid the bills and I needed the money, but I couldn’t help appreciate the bond we shared in that short time.  He even spoke on my behalf during a trial for my expulsion from school for a reason which has escaped my memory now.  It also may have been high school I was getting kicked out of. Shit, maybe I was being fired for something, this happened a long time ago.

While that may sound exactly like the plot of Scent of a Woman and I really can’t remember exactly how the movie ended, it really makes you appreciate any woman Tiger Woods can get.  So no, I don’t think he’s dating someone worse than Elin even though Lindsay is much, much uglier.

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Justin Bieber Thinks He Is Better Than Lindsay Lohan

Justin Bieber took to Instagram yesterday to make fun of Lindsay Lohan for God only knows why, but he has since gone on to delete the messages and instead replaced them with words of encouragement for himself, stating: “there’s no limit to my talent.” I think most people can get behind the notion that Lindsay Lohan is a walking punch line but most don’t use a photo social platform to do so. We just talk bad about her behind her back so she doesn’t find out. And then when she sees us looking at her and laughing, we will immediately look at someone next to her and act like we were making fun of them and not her.

None of this will bleed into self motivation, however. That just would come across as pathetic and something Lindsay Lohan would do. Hence the reason I call Justin Bieber a more lesbian version of Lindsay Lohan.

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Miss Teen Delaware Got Turned Down To Do More Porn

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(Former) Miss Teen Delaware, Melissa King, filmed a sex scene for the guys over at Girls Do Porn for a whopping $1500 and apparently she wanted to do more scenes for the same guys with the same unoriginal porn name but they turned her down, citing her first film as “the most frigid sex scene since I walked in on my grandparents doing it.”  According to TMZ:

The GDP rep says Melissa was totally down to shoot additional scenes … but they say her first try was frigid at best, so GDP passed.

They later go on to say that the $1500 she garnered was to get her to the Miss Teen pageant.  I’m not sure what’s worse; that she had to take a facial on camera for $1500 just to go to some pageant only to be disgraced for the very thing that afforded her the opportunity to get there, or that someone actually asked her to stop filming herself having sex. I’ve been on youporn once or twice or three thousand times and I can tell you that guys will film anything with at least one functioning hole.

 

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Hugo Chavez Has Died

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It seems I only get amp’d to write other people’s obituaries anymore as this site has turned the law of 3 into the law of 300, simply dissecting the death of anyone of somewhat prominence. So help me God if Mindy McCreedy is anything of prominence, but Hugo Chavez, the socialist leader of Venezuela, also just passed away. For a guy who grossly detested America, Chavez leveraged Venezuela’s massive oil reserves in an attempt to blackmail the west’s imperialism while thwarting the wealth of his own nation. He was like a modern day Robin Hood if Robin Hood took from the rich and kept it all for himself to fuck everyone over. Apparently he socialized the medicine as well, as he died of cancer at just 58 years old.  If Magic Johnson had been running Venezuela I’m pretty sure their fiscal policies would have been fucked up but nobody would die of anything.  It’d be like if the entire nation of Haiti found the fountain of youth.

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